Love and Attraction Explained
by Joe M. Young
June 2013

Love and Attraction Explained

Regarding what attracts people sexually, the famous philosopher Ayn Rand said,
“They will always be attracted to the person who reflects their deepest vision of themselves.” She also wrote, “Tell me what a person finds sexually attractive and I will tell you their entire philosophy of life. Show me the person they sleep with and I will tell you their valuation of themselves.” (Read her complete quote here)
Like anything else, no observation is 100% because there are always exceptions. But for the most part, I believe Ms. Rand was correct.
Generally speaking, no one can decide whom they find attractive. The same can be said of love. Taken as it reads, that is a correct statement. But who we fall in love with and who we are attracted to is decided not by pheromones or DNA or fate. It’s decided by our experiences in life to that point. And good luck figuring that out. It surely is an extremely complex process that is like computer data. The more that is stored, the finer the tuning will be.
I believe Ms. Rand was saying that you can alter the type of person you are sexually attracted to by consciously altering how you see things in life and by improving your self-image. But once the basic personality of a person is formed, it is true, you cannot consciously make yourself be attracted to a particular person and even though you may eventually form some level of affection for a person with whom you initially did not find attractive or a good subject for love, your true inner self will keep you from being completely in love with them.
Once you accept that you cannot make yourself fall in love with any one person, and you cannot make yourself be attracted to any one person, then you will understand that neither can they do those things. And even harder yet is for you to make them attracted to you or fall in love with you. Harder by an immense percentage because just like you don’t know what turns you on unless you have been in a lot of good therapy, you have absolutely no idea what makes them be attracted to another or fall in love. So if you fully understand both of those concepts you will find that your level of frustration in relationships will drop tremendously because you will no longer waste any time of your life on something that will never happen anyway.
Think about this fact: some people are attracted to another if that other appears to not be interested in them. Playing hard to get is something like that. Other people become attracted to another person only after they learn that the other person is interested in them.
But sometimes attraction doesn’t follow the normal pattern. Let’s say a woman normally is attracted to men who are quiet, reserved and introspective. But one day she is completely swept off her feet by a man who is just the opposite. She doesn’t know why. She just knows that he does something for her. That doesn’t mean that another man who is loud, extroverted and the life of the party will do anything for her. It seems to be just that one guy. Can’t be explained as far as anything I’ve read goes.
This is a very long and sometimes redundant explanation of love by Bob Marley but I feel it’s also the most eloquent explanation that has ever been put into words
Here are three more humorous observations about love

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“Love is blind, they say; sex is impervious to reason and mocks the power of all philosophers. But, in fact, a person's sexual choice is the result and sum of their fundamental convictions. Tell me what a person finds sexually attractive and I will tell you their entire philosophy of life. Show me the person they sleep with and I will tell you their valuation of themselves. No matter what corruption they're taught about the virtue of selflessness, sex is the most profoundly selfish of all acts, an act which they cannot perform for any motive but their own enjoyment - just try to think of performing it in a spirit of selfless charity! - an act which is not possible in self-abasement, only in self-exultation, only on the confidence of being desired and being worthy of desire. It is an act that forces them to stand naked in spirit, as well as in body, and accept their real ego as their standard of value. They will always be attracted to the person who reflects their deepest vision of themselves, the person whose surrender permits them to experience - or to fake - a sense of self-esteem .. Love is our response to our highest values - and can be nothing else.”
Ayn Rand (Back)

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”
Bob Marley (back)

“A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.”
Joan Rivers
“Ducking for apples -- change one letter and it's the story of my life.”
Dorothy Parker
“We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.”
Lily Tomlin
(Back)